


Loophole

by Biscuit Lion (cookiethelion)



Category: Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Genie/Djinn, Gen, Mostly Gen, with a bit of Ed/Nish on the side
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:41:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21839140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiethelion/pseuds/Biscuit%20Lion
Summary: In which Ed becomes attracted to a genie, and is reluctant to use up all three of his wishes.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Loophole

**Author's Note:**

  * For [trash_bat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/trash_bat/gifts).



Ed supposed it was normal for weird things to happen during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. There was being handed a flyer by someone in a half-melting clown makeup; or being hit on, repeatedly, by a performer—dancer? Actor? Singer? It was hard to tell from the costume—who frequented the same bar as Ed and Nish, and who didn’t seem to have packed any other clothes; and not to mention the bizarrely staged ballet-musical hybrid show that Tom had practically dragged Ed and Nish to see.

Then there was the blond, blue skinned genie that had emerged from a plain white gravy boat. In any other city, at any other time, Ed would have found it freaky as hell. Almost a fortnight into the Fringe, however, meant that Ed reacted with a small shrug, and a dumbfounded face that lasted for about five seconds.

“Thank you for freeing me,” the genie was saying, in a stilted, pre-rehearsed tone. “As your reward, you can have three wishes. I can grant you anything, except for unlimited wishes, and anything to do with immortality, so please don’t even try.”

Ed laughed. “Okay,” he said, “where’s the flyer?”

The genie frowned. “I beg your pardon?”

“What show are you doing?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The genie crossed his arms. The annoyance on his face even looked real.

Ed pointed at the window that overlooked rows of terraced houses separating their flat from the Royal Mile.

“What Fringe show are you doing?” said Ed.

The genie huffed. “If you’re not going to take me seriously, then put me back in the lamp right now.”

Ed picked up the gravy boat, and rubbed the side again. In a cloud of purple-blue smoke, the genie disappeared.

***

Ed didn’t touch the gravy boat for another three days—mainly because he forgot about it.

He only remembered in the evening, when he’d had enough with the hard-to-tell performer, and he’d decided to just snog the hell out of Nish to make his point. Their act had spilled out onto the street, and all the way back to their flat, at which point Ed figured that he might as well just get it off with Nish. It had been a while, anyway, and he’d already been let down by the bullshit promises that it was easy to hook up at the Fringe.

Ed kept Nish pressed to the door with both his body and his mouth, as he fiddled with the lock. He must have been pushing too hard, because the moment the door opened, they both fell through. Nish landed on the floor with a yelp, and Ed giggled before he kissed Nish again. He then felt Nish’s hands on his shoulders, and he pulled back.

“Why’s there a gravy boat on the floor?” said Nish, as he looked further down the corridor.

Ed frowned, and he followed Nish’s glare. Sure enough, the gravy boat was lying in the middle of the corridor. He was sure he’d left it in the kitchen; and even if Tom had moved it, the boat was too heavy an object to have been dropped unnoticed.

“We’ll sort it later,” said Ed. He tried to lean in, but Nish’s hands were still on his shoulders.

“I didn’t know we had one,” said Nish.

Ed rolled his eyes. “It’s just a weird gimmicky thing I picked up a couple of days ago,” he said. “Look, are we—”

He fell silent when he saw the boat jump. It only moved forward by a centimetre or so, but there was no doubt that something had caused it to move. Ed untangled himself from Nish, and the two of them walked over to the boat.

“What did you mean by ‘gimmicky thing’?” said Nish.

“I’ll show you,” said Ed, and he picked up the gravy lamp. He rubbed the side, and in another cloud of smoke, the genie appeared again. Maybe it was because he’d already gone through this once, but all Ed did was rapidly blink; Nish was furiously coughing next to him. As Ed watched the genie appear, he could have sworn that it emerged feet first.

“Finally got the message, did you?” he just about heard the genie say, over Nish’s coughs.

Ed looked up at the genie’s face. For the first time, he noticed how human he looked. His face was, arguably, defined by heavy lidded eyes and a long, prominent nose. Ed began to wonder how attractive he’d look if he wasn’t blue all over.

“What the fuck is that?” said Nish.

“I am a _genie_ , how hard is it to get some respect from people these days?”

Nish’s mouth dropped open as he turned to face Ed.

“We have a _genie_ ,” he said, “and you didn’t say anything?”

“It’s not an actual genie,” said Ed. “It’s just a thing for someone’s show.”

“I don’t know, it looks really angry.”

“Just hurry up and give me your three wishes,” said the genie. His arms were crossed. “Then you can put me back where you found me, and I can move on to someone who actually values me.”

Ed could have done without Nish’s cackles straight into his ear. He stared at the genie, but his conviction that this was some prank was beginning to slide—but genies didn’t exist, they weren’t a thing—

“Listen, I have a pretty good idea about what I want,” said Nish. “Do you need all three wishes?”

“I’ll stop you there,” said the genie. “I can’t just grant wishes to anyone. Your friend released me from the lamp, so he has to use up his wishes first.”

“What?” said Nish.

Ed rolled his eyes. “If you want me to take you seriously, at least look human.”

“You’ll need to wish for that,” said the genie.

“Fine. I wish you could change your skin from blue to human.”

“Your wish is my command.” The genie clicked his fingers, and the smoke that emitted was pungent enough to make Ed screw his eyes shut and clasp both hands over his mouth and nose.

When the smoke vanished, the first thing Ed saw was the genie—and his mouth fell open. Oh, no, he had been right—

“I won’t interrupt you any longer,” said the genie, as he looked at Ed’s crotch. “You better hurry up and think about your other two wishes.”

Before Ed could say anything, the genie vanished, and the gravy boat wobbled a little before it stilled again. To be fair, even if he had reacted fast enough, he really didn’t know what he could have said; he wasn’t exactly going to tell a genie that he was handsome as hell, or who the real source of his boner was.

“You need a hand?” said Nish, grinning.

Well, it wasn’t going to get rid of itself, and Ed pulled Nish close to him once again, as Nish unzipped his jeans.

***

Ed didn’t really properly talk to the genie until September, when he was back in London and back to reality once more.

“What’s your next wish?” said the genie. He was still as good looking as ever, which shouldn’t even be possible.

“I’ve got a few questions I want to ask first,” said Ed. OK, he was getting to know the most gorgeous genie he’d ever seen. The abnormality of the Fringe hadn’t quite worn off him yet, clearly. “What’s your name?”

The genie looked startled for a moment. “No one’s ever asked me that. I’m called James.”

Ed stared in response. James? The genie was called James?

“You don’t look like a James,” said Ed. “I thought you’d have, like, a really long and obscure name or something.”

James shrugged. “I’ve always thought it suits me.”

“What are you doing in the gravy boat?” said Ed. “Aren’t genies meant to be in gold lamps?”

What seemed like hundreds of expressions crossed James’ face in the space of a second. Ed had a feeling there was a lot of history he had to catch up on.

“The short version is that the person before the person before you broke my lamp,” said James, “and he tricked me into taking the gravy boat by covering it in tin foil. Before you ask, I was desperate when I saw this bloody thing, OK?”

Ed decided to ask instead, “So what’s the long version?”

“You don’t want to know.” James waved his hand. “There’s not enough time.”

“I’m not expecting you to tell me the whole story in one go.”

“Why are you so eager to know?”

“It’s not like I run into genies every day.” Well, that and the fact that Ed would quite like to keep staring at James’ face for longer.

“Most people don’t care.”

“I do. I’m fascinated.”

James smiled; and how Ed didn’t drop down dead at that moment, he would never know.

“I started out in the court of Elizabeth the first, about five years before she died...”

***

In the end, it took about two months before Ed heard the whole story from James. He had started in England, before a duke had taken him to mainland Europe. A stint in Africa and Asia followed, and then he had ended up in America somehow, before coming back to Ireland first, and then Scotland, where Ed had picked him up.

“Woah,” was Ed’s reaction, after all he’d heard, “that is a lot.” Who knew there was a divine being, close to 500 years of age, trapped inside a gravy boat?

“You know, I’ve never spent this long with just one person,” said James.

“What do you mean?”

“People usually get their three wishes over with, and then I’m back in my lamp, waiting for the next person. No one really cares about how old I am, or any of the stuff I’ve seen.”

“Wait, so, what happens after I’ve used up my three wishes? You said you return to your lamp.”

James nodded. “You won’t be able to summon me from the lamp again.”

Ed started. He knew that it wasn’t a good idea, seeing this stupidly good looking genie all the time; but even though he was meeting loads of people through the open mic circuit, nobody was capturing his fancy quite like James was. Now that he knew that his time with James was limited to whenever he made his last wish, Ed began to regret making his first one so early on.

“Why can’t I summon you again?” said Ed. “It’s not like I want to make a wish every time I see you.”

“I don’t make the rules,” said James, with both hands raised just above his shoulders, “it’s just how my magic works.”

“So, what are the rules again? You said something about unlimited wishes.”

“No unlimited wishes, and you can’t ask for immortality.” James looked as if he wanted to add more; and after a few seconds, he continued, “Look, since I like you, I’ll say this as well. I wouldn’t advise asking for anything to do with money. Same with stuff like fancy cars, or clothes, or wanting to be a chick magnet—oh, wait, you have a boyfriend—is guy magnet the right term—?”

It took Ed a second to remember what had happened in August; and he blurted, “I’m not going out with Nish. We just ... hook up sometimes, but that’s it.” He was stretching the truth a little—who usually left seven to nine month gaps between a casual shag?—but Ed had never been more intent on setting the record straight.

“Well, my point is, don’t wish for luxuries,” continued James, nonplussed by Ed’s interruption. “They only make people depressed, and ... I don’t want that happening to you.”

Ed frowned. Was James blushing a little? He was sure his cheeks weren’t usually that pink.

“If I don’t make any more wishes, then—?”

“Don’t do that,” said James, as he winced, “my magic doesn’t like it. I’ll only keep bothering you until I can grant you something.”

Ed clicked his tongue. Bloody genie magic. There had to be some sort of loophole, surely—?

“When you say you can’t grant unlimited wishes,” Ed began, “is that unlimited in the sense of, like, just asking for anything in general?”

James narrowed his eyes. “What are you trying to do?”

“If I wanted unlimited wishes for only, like, food and drink requests, then...”

James looked sceptical at first, but then his eyes widened as a grin spread across his face.

“Make it clear that you won’t be able to have any more wishes after you’ve made the third one,” said James.

Ed cleared his throat.

“I wish for unlimited wishes related to food and drink only, and I ... er, give up the right to unlimited wishes once I make my third wish that is not related to food and drink.” Ed knew he’d probably over-elaborated a bit, but it was better to be clear than to create a loophole within a loophole.

“Your wish is my command.” James snapped his fingers, and once again, the smoke seemed to blind Ed. When it cleared, nothing seemed to have changed.

“Is it done?” said Ed.

James hesitated before he answered, “I think so. Something feels different. Let’s try it out.”

“If this doesn’t work, and my next wish counts as my last wish, what happens after that?”

“I’ll disappear into my lamp, and you’ll never see me again.”

Ed clasped his hands together. He was sure this wouldn’t be his last ever wish; James seemed confident, and that was good enough for him. He thought about everything that James had told him—he was absolutely not thinking about the possibility that he might never meet anyone as pretty as James, absolutely not—and wondered whether it was possible to request something from abroad. At least it would make his next—not last—wish memorable.

Nish  
  
Hey, you know that genie from the Fringe?  
  
Didn’t you say you wanted a couple of wishes from him?  
  
I did mate.  
  
Are you done with him yet?  
  
I’ve got some bad news for you.  
  



End file.
